Can We Be Friends with Our Kids and Still Be an Effective Parent?

There's a myth that goes around parenting circles.  That myth is that parents cannot be friends with their kids and still be a "good" parent.  What makes a good parent is totally up for debate, but that is another topic for another day.  In order to really deconstruct this myth we must first look at what it means to be a friend.

I believe a friend is someone you can count on, someone who is there for you in times of need, someone who you enjoy being around, and someone you can trust.  But maybe that's not what a friend really is, so we turn to the handy dictionary.com for a definition.

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious society of Friends; a Quaker.

Tossing out the 3 definitions that don't really apply (2, 4, and 5), we are left with attachment based on feelings of affection or personal regard and being on good terms rather than being hostile.  While these don't fit my exact description of a friend, I think they do fall into the general terms.

A friend is a positive relationship.  So why are so many people so insistent that being a friend and being a parent are mutually exclusive? 

I'm not saying you should hit up the clubs with your teen every weekend (or any weekend) or that you should buy a keg and chat with them.  I'm not even saying you should always let them have their way or always be happy with them.  What I am saying is that it is time we break down this barrier between parents and children.

There is no reason we can't be friends and parents.  If we want our children to trust us, talk to us, come to us with their problems, maybe we should try a little harder to listen to them, trust them, and talk with them instead of at them.

Are there limits to this parent-child friendship?  Absolutely.  This is where common sense has to come into play.  While I want our children to come to us with their problems, I do not condone parents dumping their problems on their children.  While I want our kids to enjoy spending time with us, I do not think parents should compromise their values to make the time enjoyable.

Research shows time and time again that we learn better through positive interactions than negative interactions.  Friendship provides plenty of opportunities for positive interactions.  We just have to let go of the stigma that friendship in a parent-child dyad is a bad thing.

What do you think?  Can you be a friend to your children and still be an effective parent?