Perfect Conditions

"You can't sit around waiting for perfect conditions, or you'll never get anything done."

I'm sure we've all heard it a thousand times. And on some level, I'm sure we all believe it too. But still, we make excuses.

"After the baby is born, I'll have more time."

"Once I graduate, I'll focus on my family."

"The next promotion will mean enough money to get started."

"When the kids are older..."

"When I quit my job..."

"Next year it will happen."

"Next week will be better."

"I'll start tomorrow."

But guess what?  Each time one of these creeps up on us, it's met with a new stipulation.  And somehow years have passed, and we haven't accomplished our goals.  Tomorrow never came.

Life is finite, and not only is it finite, it's short.  Really, really short. But we piddle away the minutes on mindless games and wasted what ifs.

I'm ready to change that.

Not because conditions are perfect.  Not even because one of my stipulations has been met.  But because I deserve it, my family - my husband, my kids - we all deserve it.  What is this "it" I am so sure we deserve?  It's not perfection, but it's the closest I can provide.

We deserve healthy, home-cooked meals.  We deserve fit bodies that can carry us through however many years we have left.  I deserve a chance to be me and not just my husband's wife and my sons' mom.  They deserve a mom and wife who's happy and not as stressed as the one they have now.

Striving for perfection - that's stressful.  If you're anything like me, the thought of it shuts you down.  So I won't strive to be perfect, but I will promise to do the best I can every moment of every day.  I will promise to go easy on myself and stop beating myself up when my best is not as good as I think it should be and when it's not 100% of my resources.  Because sometimes to be the best I can for them means saving a little piece for me.

So I'm replacing my "what ifs", my "when conditions are perfects", and my "if I can't do it perfectly, I might as well quits" with this new daily mantra.

Today I will wake up and be ready to give it my all.

Today I will give my husband and children the attention and love they deserve.

Today I will work hard to make our house a home.

Today I will exercise and nourish my body with healthy food.

Today I will strive for excellence in everything I do.

Today I will prepare for tomorrow.

Today I will take the steps necessary to meet my goals.

Today I will forgive myself for my shortcomings.

Today I will not let my guilt and fear of failure hold me back.

Today I will love me."

So there it is in black and white - the promise I make to myself every morning when I wake up.  I encourage all of you to create your own daily mantra.  Positive thoughts lead to positive actions.  When we let go of fear, guilt, and regret, we are able to move forward and make the most of this finite life we've been given.

Why I Allow My Kids to Question Me

People often ask me why I allow my children to question my directions. There are several reasons. The first of which is that I don’t know what they will face in their lifetimes, and I want them to be prepared. If they always get their answers and instructions from me, they won’t know how to make decisions for themselves. I want them to know how to apply their moral framework to the situation and decide what is best. I am imparting my morals to them each day as they watch me live my life. And because I believe my morals are the right way to live (or else I wouldn’t believe in them), I hope that my children choose to adopt the same morals in their lives. But if they don’t, I accept that they are individuals living their own lives.

The second reason is again because I don’t know what they will face in their lifetimes. Will there be another Hitler? Another period of slavery? Or something else entirely? I believe that by allowing my children to question my instructions rather than blindly following authority, they will be less likely to engage in unethical behavior just because an authority figure tells them to. I want my children to be the ones using their house as a stop on the Underground Railroad instead of hunting people who are running for their freedom. I want my children to be the ones who say, “No, I will not kill that person just because they are different than me,” instead of capturing and torturing innocent men, women, and children.

My third reason is simple. I want my children to learn the appropriate way to question authority. I want them to learn that while they won’t always agree with what is being done, there is a certain level of respect that all people deserve. I want them to remember that even when there are disagreements that the other person still deserves that level of respect.

Yes, I am the mother, and yes, they should do what I tell them. But they should only do it if it is right. I make mistakes just like every other human being on this planet. And my fourth reason for allowing them to question me is that I want them to see what happens when you make a mistake. I want them to see me listen to their concerns, consider what they have to say, and then make a decision. I want them to see me stick to what I believe in. I want them to see me change my mind when I am being unreasonable. I want them to see sincere apologies – both in word and action. I want them to be able to witness humility in a safe environment. And I want them to know that it’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get caught up in a situation. It is even normal to do so. Most importantly, I want them to see that what makes it okay is the way you respond when you realize your mistake because I want my children to be able to admit when they’ve messed up. I want them to be able to say, “I screwed up. I’m sorry. Here’s what I am going to do to make this right, and here’s how I am going to try to prevent it happening again.” And then I want them to follow through on those words.

I want all of these things for my children because the world has enough people who blindly follow authority. The world has enough people who fall into the herd mentality and just do what everyone else is doing. I want to raise leaders. I want to raise people who will make a difference. And I don’t want to do what everyone has always done because I don’t want things to be the way they have always been.

Can We Be Friends with Our Kids and Still Be an Effective Parent?

There's a myth that goes around parenting circles.  That myth is that parents cannot be friends with their kids and still be a "good" parent.  What makes a good parent is totally up for debate, but that is another topic for another day.  In order to really deconstruct this myth we must first look at what it means to be a friend.

I believe a friend is someone you can count on, someone who is there for you in times of need, someone who you enjoy being around, and someone you can trust.  But maybe that's not what a friend really is, so we turn to the handy dictionary.com for a definition.

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious society of Friends; a Quaker.

Tossing out the 3 definitions that don't really apply (2, 4, and 5), we are left with attachment based on feelings of affection or personal regard and being on good terms rather than being hostile.  While these don't fit my exact description of a friend, I think they do fall into the general terms.

A friend is a positive relationship.  So why are so many people so insistent that being a friend and being a parent are mutually exclusive? 

I'm not saying you should hit up the clubs with your teen every weekend (or any weekend) or that you should buy a keg and chat with them.  I'm not even saying you should always let them have their way or always be happy with them.  What I am saying is that it is time we break down this barrier between parents and children.

There is no reason we can't be friends and parents.  If we want our children to trust us, talk to us, come to us with their problems, maybe we should try a little harder to listen to them, trust them, and talk with them instead of at them.

Are there limits to this parent-child friendship?  Absolutely.  This is where common sense has to come into play.  While I want our children to come to us with their problems, I do not condone parents dumping their problems on their children.  While I want our kids to enjoy spending time with us, I do not think parents should compromise their values to make the time enjoyable.

Research shows time and time again that we learn better through positive interactions than negative interactions.  Friendship provides plenty of opportunities for positive interactions.  We just have to let go of the stigma that friendship in a parent-child dyad is a bad thing.

What do you think?  Can you be a friend to your children and still be an effective parent?

Oklahoma's Deadly Tornadoes

Moore has been hit... again.  Following a similar path to the devastating tornado of May 3, 1999, this tornado has taken homes, taken lives, and taken innocence.  But what can you say?  What can you do? 

Our hearts break for those who lost everything, for those who lost anything.  And we breathe a sigh of relief for each person who is pulled out of the wreckage alive.  The healing will take time, but Oklahomans are strong.  We come together in times like this.  Unfortunately, we have been through many tragedies in our state.  Our home.  Home should be safe, but when it's not, it's nice to have family to turn to.  Family you don't know, family you've never met, family who share this great home.  And that's what Oklahomans are.  We're one big family who fight and argue and debate over the most unimportant things (and some pretty important issues too), but when it comes to devastating tragedies, we pull together.  We help each other, and we never back down.

And our family in Shawnee has been hit as well.  And Newcastle.  And we will help them too.

Thoughts of healing and hope go out to all who have been affected by the storms Sunday and Monday.  We'll get through this... just like we always do.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Let me start by saying this book changed my marriage.  So much for burying the lead, right?  But it did.  My husband and I were not speaking the same language, and it can be really hard to love someone when it feels like they don't love you.  But now, he knows how to show me love in my language, and I know when he is showing me love in his language.  And I try really hard to show him love in his language, but I know that when I slip up and do it in my language instead, he still gets the message.

So what is this book all about?  What are these languages?  Gary Chapman has found that most people experience love in some combination of five ways, which he refers to as languages.  These languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Acts of Service

3. Gifts

4. Physical Touch

5. Quality Time

There is a test you can take on the website, www.5lovelanguages.com to determine your love language.  I definitely recommend reading the book as well because Chapman really goes into detail on what each of these languages mean, how to show love to someone who experiences it through each language, and how to avoid hurting someone who experiences it through each of these languages.  My test results revealed my primary love language to be acts of service, followed closely (1 point less) by words of affirmation.  My husband's love language is physical touch by a long shot!  So it makes sense that we weren't feeling loved by each other.  We just weren't speaking each others' languages.

After reading The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, we were able to modify our behavior.  It wasn't easy.  It definitely took time, but talking about it and reminding each other was helpful.  We also incorporated it into our couple meetings and gave each other tips about what would make us feel loved the following week.  So I might say, "I would feel loved if you would take out the trash when you see it is full,"  or "I would feel loved if you would make a verbal acknowledgment that all of the dishes were clean and dinner was ready when you got home."  While he would say, "I would feel loved if you would hold my hand while we watch our favorite TV show one night."

So give it a try with your spouse/partner.  Take the test, read the book, and learn to speak his or her language!  You will be amazed with the growth of your relationship.

As a side note, there is also The 5 Love Languages of Children.  I haven't read this one, but I hear it is really helpful if you are having trouble reaching your children.  And it makes sense that it would be.  Our children have their own love languages too!  The website has a test for your kids to determine their love languages as well.

Have you read either of these books?  What did you think about it?  Did it help you in your relationships?  Leave a comment and let us know!